Final

1. I have done a lot of different writings this quarter, I have written a children’s story, a lot of pieces on my own life, and I have also told a lot of stories about other people and things I enjoy as well. When it comes to the journal it is basically a bunch of thoughts and letters to myself, when everything gets overwhelming, I feel like a pencil and paper are the only things I can talk to.

2. I have read my fair share of really cool things, Leanna’s writings were super cool and really descriptive and I loved her scary stories she posted about, I also really liked stories that people wrote about some sadness they were feeling because I wrote stories about stuff like that too, and I don’t know about the rest of them but when I see stories that remind me of how I felt or feel, it makes it feel more normal to not be okay sometimes, and it really is a comforting feeling to know you’re not alone, but with that being said, I hope those kids are not sad anymore.

3. I liked setting up my blog because it is a lot like me in a lot of ways, like with the tie dye and the quotes I put on it, not to mention the stories that inhabit it, all a little piece of me. I came up with the name because everyone calls me “Slagle Bagel”, since I could remember, all through elementary, middle school, and I escaped it for a while here in high school til my friends recently started calling me that more. I think all the people who care to see what I have to say read it, and I hope people that are going through hard times read it so they can see my experiences and the things I learned from them. I would like to say I will continue using it in the future, but I don’t ever get on the internet so I probably won’t, but I know I will definitely still be writing thoughts and feelings down.

4. My journal was something I really enjoyed part of this class, I know I didn’t write in it too often, but writing comes to me when it comes, not very easy when its assigned to write ten different things, which is cool if I had time to do that cause I am sure if I sat down and tried I would have a million different things to write about, but a lot of the time when something happens that I feel I need to write about, I just type it out in my notes really fast on my phone and get it out of my system then. The things that are in my journal are basically a bunch of thoughts, rants, emotions, and letters to myself and others. The people I would want to read my journal are closed minded people that don’t confront their problems or feelings and think everything is positive and there’s no bad in the world and see that there really is bad in the world, not everyone is happy, and comforting it helps, and to say the least, it’s normal. A lot of people push their problems and feelings aside because they are afraid that what they are feeling is not normal.

5. An entry that I never got to put in my journal, just a little thought I was having in class “I have been thinking a lot while I am in ISS. I think about the kids in here that I spend all day talking to and making jokes with and that I actually like and then I realize that as soon as this day is over, we won’t ever talk again. Their younger than me, or their in a different group of friends than I am, or maybe I just don’t seem them in the hall, but even if I did, and even if they saw me, we wouldn’t say Hi, we wouldn’t stop each other in the hall and see what one another is up to this weekend, regardless if we poured out our life story to each other the previous day in ISS.

Rebellion brings people together. Everything and anything that is bad, gives people this bond to each other. Like for a minute, labels don’t matter, and we all screw up sometimes, it reminds us that we are all human and that feels good. In the movie, the breakfast club, they are in detention and they are all from completely different clicks but for this one Saturday morning, no one is better than someone else. They all messed up and they are all spending their Saturday morning paying for it. I think sometimes we just need to remind ourselves that we are only human and everyone messes up and you don’t have to get in trouble or in ISS to realize that by any means. All you have to do is think to yourself when things are getting hard and you feel like everyone understands but you, you just got to let yourself know that it is okay to mess up, perfectly imperfect is the best thing to be.”

6. A paragraph or two from one of my most favorite stories I have ever written, Saving Myself  “I bend down next to my lifeless body and start begging for me to just hang on, and begging god to just please tell my mom I love her, and tell my brother I love him too, and make sure he turns out nothing like me, dear god, please don’t let him turn out anything like me, then something sparks inside of me, for the first time, I felt the will to live, I thought about how I wanted to go home and tell my mom and brother I love them myself, and how I wanted to personally make sure my brother didn’t make the same mistakes as me, and do everything in my power to make sure he didn’t end up like this. As a final attempt to save my life, I leaned over my lifeless body, putting my mouth over mine, inhaling air into my own lungs. I saw as my eyes yanked open…

I bolted up straight in my bed, my heart was racing and I was shaking, but I felt so alive, I felt as if I just took my first breathe of life all over again. I got up and looked in the mirror at myself, and for just a quick moment, I saw everything good I could become, I saw all the good in me, and for once, I couldn’t see any sadness, I couldn’t see all the things I did wrong. I just saw me, and in that moment, I knew I could save myself.”

7. The creative writing I plan to do in the future is to just write a bunch of really good stories and I hope that my stories help people get through whatever it is they are going through.  This does not differ from any writing I have ever done, since I can remember I have been writing stories in hopes that it will help others.

8. MY FELLOW WRITERS. All of your stories were freaking awesome I am sure I didn’t read very many because I just suck like that but I know just from spending these days in class with you that you all of potential and I am sure your stories are just as great as each and every one of you. J

9. This has been a rad senior year and I am glad I got to spend it with everyone in here

101 Things About Me :)

101 Things About Me

1.       I was born on August 1^st, 1996

2.       My parents are divorced.

3.       My mom and my dad are best friends even though they don’t live together.

4.       I have three brothers, one older and two are younger.

5.       I have severe depression.

6.       I like t wear maroon colored things.

7.       I look mixed but I am white.

8.       Me and my mom are bestfriends.

9.       When I was in kindergarten, I broke up with a boy named Riley because he was too short for me.

10.   Also when I was in kindergarten, I use to have crushes on all my big brothers friends.

11.   I have a really good visual memory. I can remember the night my parents got into a big fight tht resulted in their divorce just as if it was last night.

12.   I can tell what most songs are before they even say the words, I can just tell by the beats.

13.   I have had the song “Elmos world” stuck in my head since I was about 6.

14.   When I was little all I would eat were eggs and roman noodles.

15.   I watched Barney religiously.

16.   In middle school, I was obsessed with Martin Luther King Jr.

17.   I started my period going into fourth grade and I thought that it meant I was dying.

18.   Every year at Christmas, I watch all of the Christmas movies, even the little kid ones like “Barneys Christmas”

19.   I have hated every year of highschool.

20.   I have a tendency to date boys long distance instead of dating boys who are actually from here.

21.   I am inlove with my boyfriend Danny who lives in California. Hahaha.

22.   In middle school I use to make illnesses so the nurse would send me home, she never did though,

23.   When I was about 5, I ran my head into a glass door and got a piece of glass stuck in my forehead.

24.   When I was little, while my mom was at work and my dad was suppose to be watching me, I dumped a thing of fabric softener into my eye.

25.   Everyone loves my hair except for me.

26.   I have always loved English and writing, but I have always hated math.

27.   I went to rehab for the first time in 8^th grade.

28.   I got expelled from middle school for the first time for possession of adoral.

29.   I had this boyfriend freshman year, that I was madly inlove with and he cheated on me and it devastated me so much, I hardly came to school when we broke up for good my Junior year.

30.   I use to listen to hardcore scream music when I was in the 7^th grade.

31.   I have really bad anxiety.

32.   I love watching all kinds of movies, I love movies more than anything.

33.   The first time I ever had a story published was in the 6^th grade and it was a poem about chocolate cake which I thought was pretty dumb so I was rather surprised when it was published in our school book.

34.   I use to be bestfriends with this girl Paxton all through elementary school and the first year of middle school and her mom use to make up the craziest lies about me.

35.   I remember the first cigarette or cigar or whatever it was I ever had, I was in 5^th grade and it was grape flavored.

36.   Alfredo is my favorite food.

37.   I love Ally Banks.

38.   I hate being late for things.

39.   I hate being rushed.

40.   I cant stand PDA. Not the holding hands or a quick kiss, but the type of PDA when youre up against the walls you are making out so hardcore.

41.   I am notorious for spending every last dollar I have as quickly as possible.

42.   One of my other favorite meals is chicken strips and gravy.

43.   I use to have this slider phone and I could text in my pocket without looking all of the time.

44.   My mom says when I was a baby, I was the chillest baby anyone has ever seen, I just slept and ate all the time.

45.   I use to sit and watch all of the shreks and say every word.

46.   I hate bootflared jeans.

47.   I never liked corduroy pants.

48.    I have never been in a physical fight with a girl before.

49.   I modeled for a Paul Mitchell fashion show in the 8^th grade.

50.   My hair was blonde.

51.   I almost drowned in my bathtub not too long ago because I fell asleep.
52. I am caring.
53. I am opinionated. 
54. I am emotional.
55. I am kind hearted.
56. I like orange pop.
57. I freaking love spaghetti.
58. I love being with family.
59. I like things that sparkle.
60. I like music.
61. I watch id discovery everyday. 
62. I love psychology.
63. I would love to be a social workee.
64. I have very little tolerance. 
65. I hate ignorant and immature people.
66. I use to be addicted to the facts about titanic.
67. I love vanilla and cookie/dessert sented things.
68. I love mac and cheese.
69. I think my first childhood love was thus boy named Gage in the fourth grade and he was like so perfect to me andi thought we were going to get married.
70. I love sleeping for hours.
71. I love pretty bras n panties.
72. I love manicures.
73. I love diamond clothing. 
74. I love auntie annes pretzels.
75. I love helping my mom out.
76. I love tropical smoothie. 
78. I love Christmas.
79. I love mob wives.
80. I love sweaters.
81. I love money.
82. I love snow. 
83. I love chicken and noodles. 
84. I love laying in the sun.
85. I love 4th of July.
86. I love fresh flowers.
87. I am stubborn.
88. I am heard headed.
89. I am a know it all.
90. I am dependable.
91. I can be harsh at times.
92. I am generous.
93. I take lots of selfies.
94. I love photography.
95. I hate spiders.
96. I hate mice.
97. If I would've been born thirty minutes earlier, I could've graduated last year.
98. I can hold silent grudges for a long time.
99. I like antique stuff.
100. I love white cheese and sweet sauce dip at Mexican food places. 
101. I cant wait to get out of Missouri and travel.

Well this blog has absolutely nothing to do with anything we are doing in class but I just have so much bottled up inside of me and no one really to talk to and I need just to have a moment, for real. To everyone who isn't a senior, seriously live it up because senior year is rough as hell. Things start piling up before you know it, 18th birthday is approaching and you will soon become an adult, All of the pressure we have when it comes to growing up. Teachers throw this college shit at you, handing out brouchers to sophomore and juniors. Things get crazy when it comes to school and even more so when it comes to life. So everyone who isn't going through this right now, live it up and when the time does come, don't forget to just breathe and let the rest of it happen. Sometimes in between of all the test and "fitting in" and friends, I think we all forget to just take a moment and recalculate on things that have happened. I know that sometimes I forget to do that and then things just keep piling up and before I know it I am beyond overwhelmed sitting in the consular talking about how I cant wait to get out of highschool. I know when I get in the true adult world, I will look back and think "I cant believe I thought those were problems then" and that's probably right. Everything we worry about as a kid seems much smaller when we become true adults, but right now, I am still in highschool, still caught between who I am and who I want to be and it still sucks. I keep telling myself to hang in there and that I got less than 20 days left and then I am done, but looking forward to the future is hard when you cant even look past your present. I am holding onto the words "It'll get better." and hey, maybe it will, or maybe it wont. I just need to remember to breathe.

Food Memory

My biggest food memory I have as a child is the fact I didn't eat anything else besides eggs and roman noodles. I would go out to dinner at a family friends house and they would have to make me an egg or roman noodles because I would refuse to eat anything else. When I smell roman noodles or eggs, I often think of my childhood. I think about on Easter day when I cared more about the hard boiled the candy inside the plastic ones. I remember sitting cross legged on my moms friends, Ginger, 70's style carpet, while all the other kids were out hunting for candy, I was sitting there waiting patiently but eagerly for my hard boiled egg.

It sucks just as bad for kids as it does for adults

Before you continue reading, let it be known that this has nothing to do with any of the assignments in this class. It is just me, simply venting.

"What do you have to worry about? You are 18. You go to school, you have a job, you can do whatever you want. Yeah let me tell you about real stress, bills, food, figuring out how to make enough money to get us by, being a single parent with two kids, you dont even begin to know stress."

What do I have to worry about.... Im  a teenager, I dont pay bills, I dont have to worry about electricity or cabel or putting food on the table, so year, adults are right when it comes to that because a good majority of us dont have to worry about that, and godbless all the parents who do it on their own, seriously, I mean that from the bottom of my heart, I give my mom props for being able to do what she does and with two kids and bills so yeah, I get that,

But do they have any living idea what it is like to be a kid in this day and age. We have technology for one, I am sure there were bullied but they got to go home and get away from it and maybe the next day the bully would still be there but then you know you get to go home and get peace and quiet just for a moment, yeah well now, when you get bullied at school, it follows you home. It is on facebook, twitter, text messages, instagram, it never ends. Also lets consider how different the schooling was, they didnt know nor have half of the stuff that we do now, so they learned simply and I am more that sure that a good majority of them understood what was being taught to them Now, we have smartboards, laptops, and even ipads in some parts which you would think make learning easier but it doesnt. Adults didnt have half of the pressure as teenagers do, when adults went to parties, it was just a simple party, yeah there might of been some drinking and weed, but parties now, there are acid, K2, weed, pills and abunch of other things that teenagers are surrounded by everyday and godbless the kids who have a strong enough will power to say no, but some of them dont. Life is just awful now, schools are getting shot up, people are getting raped and jumped. There are so many problems with teenagers and i feel like adults dont understand that..
Maybe one day,

Movies

1. I watch movies religiously so it is really hard trying to figure out what my favorite movie is because I dont have such a thing, I love all movies and all different kinds, but one of my favorites is "Perks of Being a Wallflower" I love that movie. I love it because it teaches you alot of good life lessons for kids who struggle with depression like myself. Shows us that things will get better, and even if we have to hit rock bottom first, the only way to go from there is up, and I think thats what all of us need sometimes, to hit rock bottom and just work our way back up.
2. I dont really care for romantic movies too much, I like romantic comedys, but just straight love stories are not my thing. I feel like majority of them are unrealistic and I also get sad because I am all lonely and stuff but its mainly because the stuff that happens in the movies is never going to happen in real life so I would defintley say that romantic is my least favorite.
3. I watch two or three movies a day and I usually watch them in my bed or sitting in my floor in my room and watch them, sometimes I will watch them in the living room but I dont do that too often because when I am watching a movie i like to focous on the movie and there be no sound or anyone talking while I am watching, one of the best ways to anger me, speaking during a movie.
4. What I need before I watch a movie is my blanket and bed, hahaha. If I have food too, that is cool. I usually have a drink though. Majority of the times I will eat dinner while I watch a movie but I dont need food or comapny or anything like that. I perfer watching movies by myself most of the time anyway.

Photograph

This is my itty

My mini me

Her eyes glisten with innocence

Like a reflection of my younger years

Melodies of her favorite song falling off her lips

Her smile lighting up my world

This is me being genuinely happy

Curls falling around my face

Our voices intertwining as the silly lyrics leave the speakers of the car radio

This is us, losing ourselves in music

This is her, lighting up my world

This is me, being genuinely happy

Saving Myself

I look down at myself laying on the kitchen floor as my friends are huddled around me, screaming at each other to call 911 but no one doing it, they were trying to wake me up, shaking my shoulders and crying my name, soon they all vanished though, leaving me here. I cannot believe I am watching this happen to myself, I am watching and feeling as I slip away. I knew I was living my life in the fast lane, and yeah, I knew the risks of what I was doing, but I didn’t think it would come to an end this quickly.

I was taking pills before I knew it. My mom had always told me, “You never know what they are, they could make your heart explode and you could die.” I heard her, but I didn’t listen to her. That night as soon as I knew she was asleep, I snuck out my back window, hopped down onto the deck, flipped my hood up as cold breath started to exhale from my lungs into the air, and I started walking. I pulled out a cigarette from my pocket and lit it up, as I inhaled the smoke into my lungs I couldn’t help but think “How in the hell did I come to this?” I started thinking about kindergarten and pledging to D.A.R.E and thinking I was going to be a straight A student and never pick up a cigarette, let alone develop a pill problem. Shit, my finger started to blister up from the cigarette that burned all the way down to the end, yanking me from my haunting thoughts. I bundle my jacket up more as the cold air rushed down the spine of my back making me shiver reminding me of the cold thoughts I am thinking, leaving me confused if it’s really cold outside, or if it’s just me…

I see the lights on the house grow closer and closer, I can hear the laughs of my friends grow louder. My good friend meets me on the front porch, greeting me with open arms. After our embrace, my friend looks at me and laughs asking “What the hell are you doing wearing a jacket in 75 degree weather?” Well… that answered my question, it was just me. She laughs a little as I roll my eyes and unbundle my jacket, sliding it off of my arm, she put her arm around my shoulder and said “C’mon kid, let’s get you fixed.” My heart grows with eagerness for this next pill as a result of trying not to take them for a few days, I follow her inside the smoke filled house as we headed for the kitchen. I found a lot of my friends surrounding the table, playing cards, empty glass and beer bottles everywhere, and some pills laying around. My friend bumps this guy on the shoulder and whispers something then points to me. He soon hands her a little bag containing four little pills, she then hands me this bag. I pop it open and let the pills hit the palm of my hand, I clenched my fist with the pills in my hand at first, as if I was holding onto a rope that was keeping me alive, maybe I was hoping that there would be a voice in my head that might yell at me to stop, but there wasn’t. I tossed the pills back as they ran down my tongue, hitting the back of my throat, going down into my system. In 5 minutes, I automatically felt better, in fact, I felt unlike I ever have before, and I couldn’t decide if I should either be scared or happy about that.

As the time passes, I start to feel hot, my heart is starting to race, and I am losing the color in my face. My friend looks over at me and can tell something is wrong. I tell her I think I am going to throw up, she walks me to the bathroom, where my knees fall against the cold bathroom floor, like stones pulling me down, I bent over the toilet and started vomiting awfully. It freaked me and my friend both out, who was holding my hair and saying “Oh my god” over and over again, finally the vomiting comes to a stop, I weakly stumble up with my arm wrapped around her shoulder, she walks me to the kitchen and sits me down in the chair, she goes into the kitchen to get me a glass of water, and before I know it, my back is laying on the wood panel floor ground next to the kitchen table, my body start to yank and my heart starts to pound harder and harder, faster and faster. I can’t say anything though, everyone is around me and I can’t talk or scream or tell them what I need, anything, they are all panicking, trying to decide what to do, screaming and crying, people are running out even, and I am laying here, ”Oh my god, they are going to let me die.” People start clearing the drugs out, flushing them, putting them down the garbage disposal, and I am watching all of this. I can see me laying on the ground, my eyes are cold, and my skin has lost the color, I am watching as my so called friends are more worried about the drugs and alcohol then me laying here on the floor. Soon, the house clears out, well, almost clears out, I'm still here.

I bend down next to my lifeless body and start begging for me to just hang on, and begging god to just please tell my mom I love her, and tell my brother I love him too, and make sure he turns out nothing like me, dear god, please don’t let him turn out anything like me, then something sparks inside of me, for the first time, I felt the will to live, I thought about how I wanted to go home and tell my mom and brother I love them myself, and how I wanted to personally make sure my brother didn’t make the same mistakes as me, and do everything in my power to make sure he didn’t end up like this. As a final attempt to save my life, I leaned over my lifeless body, putting my mouth over mine, inhaling air into my own lungs. I saw as my eyes yanked open…

I bolted up straight in my bed, my heart was racing and I was shaking, but I felt so alive, I felt as if I just took my first breathe of life all over again. I got up and looked in the mirror at myself, and for just a quick moment, I saw everything good I could become, I saw all the good in me, and for once, I couldn’t see any sadness, I couldn’t see all the things I did wrong. I just saw me, and in that moment, I knew I could save myself.

Without music, I wouldn't be here

I have been in a not so good place since the sixth grade, and a lot of people don’t understand a thing that I am going through or am feeling, but they do, the artists, the music streaming from their voice and finger tips, I can tell they understand. When talking to friends and family around me failed, Music was there at the end of the day. The one good thing in my life that I have control over, if a song is making me too sad, I can change it, Life isn’t as easy as skipping a song on the playlist, and it just gives me a settle feeling of control and when their words of similar experiences and similar feelings, fill my ear drums, it’s comforting, it’s so comforting to know that you’re not the only one that feels like this and it makes it easier living with depression, knowing that it doesn’t make you any less of a person, and seeing that these people, these famous, and wonderful people, have been in your shoes or know someone who has, and they put their story out there wrapped around in beautiful melodies and in that moment, I know I am going to be okay, if they can come out on top, so can I. Music has saved my life in countless ways that I can’t even begin to describe, I wouldn’t be here without music.

At the end of a long day at school, or a long night at work, the first thing I do when I get home is plug in my phone to my speakers and let the sounds of their voices bounce off the walls in my room and it doesn’t matter who made me mad that day, it doesn’t matter how many rude costumers I had at work, and it doesn’t matter how sad I felt, the music makes all of that go away. As I dance around my room and listen to the music flowing out of my speakers, it’s like I am not even here for a moment, I’m not stuck in a town I hate, I’m not a stressed out senior, I’m not a depressed teenager, I am just me, and I am happy, and I feel so lost in all of the best places. Losing myself to music and just feeling it as the words fall off their lips is one of the best feelings in the world.

Music has a lot of powers, has the power to make you dance, the power to make you cry, the power to make you angry, the power to make you laugh as you think about some memory, but more than anything it can heal you. I know it can from my own experience, and I am sure that the rest of us can think back to a time when nothing else could make us feel better except that one song. The moment when you are really angry and you just got in a fight with a friend, parents, significate other, and then that song comes on and you can’t help but crack a smile and bump your head to the beat of it and then by the time the song is over, you don’t remember what you were upset or angry about to begin with. Music helps us release all of those negative emotions, almost in a “cleansing” type way, and doing that it heals us, just one of the many beautiful things music does for us all.

Without music, I feel that the world would be full of bad vibes. Why do you think all the hippies gather at music festivals and not a carnival or something? Because music just fills people with good vibes. I feel that if it wasn’t here, too many people would take out their emotions in the worst ways. If music wasn’t here, no one could dance, because music has the rhythms that make people want to move, and if it wasn’t here, those rhythms wouldn’t be here, if the rhythms weren’t here, we wouldn’t be very good at humming or making some noise to the beat of some song that gets you dancing, and all of this rolling back around to the fact that if music wasn’t here, no one would dance, and dancing is a good way to release energy. Dancing is also just fun and inspiring, and the music makes it that way, so without music, the world would be dull with bad vibes.

So let’s dance.  

Keeping it real

 7.  I dont think you know if you "love" someone in three days, but I think you can tell if their different. You can tell if someone is going to be worth your time or not, I mean, anything can change and they could be prince charming for three days and then turn into your worst nightmare on the fourth, so just be careful when it comes to the whole love thing.

9. Someone with gauges and tattoos and a pretty smile would be my defention of a hottie. He would be really sweet and really funny. He would be laid back and be okay with just spending days inside watching netflix and eating food. He would take cute couple pictures and my family would love him, and he would get along with my brothers and everything would just be perfect. In my dreams though, right? Hahahah.

17. My perfect day would probably be getting food and then curl up in bed and watch scary movies. I love watching scary movies and laying all twisted up in my big comforter and pop in a scary movie and just lay there and watch movies all day long with some food and snacks.

15. Something most people dont know about me is I have depression. I mean people in here know because I write about it alot, but as for my friends outside of this class and stuff, many of them dont know that I have depression because I come off as this happy, positive, upbeat, class clown but Im really not.

20. Yes because that way you cant get to know someone. You have to ask them questions if you want to know what their about, then that way you can get to know the things you want to know and they can ask you questions back so then the next time you guys talk, you will have conversations to stem off of.

16. My special talent, as you all know, is braiding hemp and all of that good junk.

Memorable Passage

Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show. —Charles Dickens, David Copperfield (1850)




The reason why this passage has stuck out to me more than others is because I can really relate to it. I only want nothing more in life then to come out ontop of my own story in the end and say "And then I did it, I woke up one day and decided I never want to feel like that again, and I haven't since." that would be amazing, but if someone else ends up saving me before I can, then that's great too. I just want my story to show, whoever saves me, I want my story to be known, no matter how the ending turns out, the story itself doesn't change. The ending to the story is irrelevant to me, I have made it this far, I know I am only going to go further. Some people wish that they could forget the past, but I never want to forget the past, I want to always remember what I went through and how strong it made me, and so then when I get upset or mad over little things, I can tell myself "Hey, atleast its not as bad as it was that one time when you were 14." My mental battle wounds are not a burden, I wear them as a shield of honor and nothing less.

Wassily Kandinsky

My artist's full name is Wassily Kandinsky. He was born on December 16,1866, and died on December 13,1944. He was born and raised in Moscow. His fathers name was Vasily Kandinsky and he ran a tea factory. His mothers name is Lidia Ticheeva and she worked as a musician. He had one sister and her name was Vsevolod Kandinsky together they did homeschooling throughout their years.

Wassily married his cousin when he was middle aged, then later on in life when he was a 50 year old music teacher, he married one of his students who was only 17. Also during his life time he taught at a German school, when he was younger he graduated from college to be a law student but painted on the side before pursing his career in painting, he went to Munich Academy of Arts and was alive during World War 1. Some of the struggles he faced throughout his life involved his parents getting a divorce in his late teens, he was forced to go to college for something he didn't want to do, and when he got older, after he had two children, one of them died at age 3.

When it came to his work though, Wassily used oil paints majority of the time and did his art works on canvas boards, cardboards, and other materials. When Wassily was painting, his painting associated with the time periods of the following; Expressionism, German Expressionism, Modern Art, Der Blave Reitr, Abstract. Wassily had many different paintings but a few of his most famous ones are Landscape with Two Poplars, The White Dot, and Transverse Line.  

Everything Is Going To Be Okay Town

The town where the sky was blue

The flowers blend together in a sea of color

Laughter filled the air

Beautiful sounds from the chamber choir did as well

The children gathered in the field

Words of wisdom filling their hearts

Smiles curving upon their lips

The weight is lifted off their shoulders

Some say home is where you live

Others say home is where you're happiest

Calm sea of Chaos

Waves are crashing

They are crashing all around

The boats shake from side to side

Peoples screams grow silent

The boats float bottom up

The once sea of chaos

Is now a sea of calm

The gray in the sky cracks and light blue peeks from behind

Waves are crashing

The calm sea of chaos

Art/Walk "Instead of killing myself" poem

“Wait until a year from now

When you say,

“Holy shit, I can’t believe I was going to kill myself before I etcetera’d…

Before I went skinny dipping in Tennessee,

Made my own IPA,

Tried out for a game show,

Rode a camel drunk,

Learned to waltz with clumsy old people,

Photographed electric jellyfish,

Built a sailboat from trash,

Taught someone how to read,

Ect. Ect. Etc.”

The red washing down the bathtub

Can’t change the color of the sea at all.”

 

This poem helps me a lot when it comes to myself. It helps remind me that if I end my life, if I let things get to me so bad to where I am at the point when getting out of a bed is a pure struggle, that no matter what, the world doesn’t stop spinning. If you end your life, tomorrow will still come, people will still go to work and school, everyone in the world will wake up and get ready to start their day while you’re laying six feet under because you thought that this would make your problems stop and make everyone pay for how awful they were, well, yeah you’re problems are gone, cause you’re gone, and yeah people might feel bad for how bad they treated you, but most of the time their indenial and don’t even want to think they played a part in someone ending their life and usually, continue to be as shitty to everyone else just as they were to you. So with all of that cold hearted, but true, statements being said, why not just stay on earth, know that tomorrow will be a new day and better day, and if you hang in there, it will get better. I know its hard, and easier said then done, but I promise it is all worth it. I know by the things I write and say, most probably think “Wow Katie, you talk about it getting better but you seem just as bad now as you were then.” But I can honestly say I have come a long way since then with depression, I am not as hopeless about the future as I once was, I realized that everything gets better and anything worth having doesn’t come easy, and happiness is worth having, so I will continue to stay on this earth and strive for that every single day, because I now know because of this poem that ending my life wouldn’t fix anything, as it wouldn’t if anyone else did.

So, as a survivor of suicidal thoughts for four years, I can tell you it gets better. I know you may be thinking “You are a survivor of suicidal thoughts? That doesn’t even make sense.” Well if you have depression and suicidal thoughts, you know how hard it is, but imagine how hard it is, and everyday for four years of your life. It’s the thoughts that drive people to ending it, and having those thoughts for four years and still being here, and better than I once was, hell yeah, I am a survivor.

To whoever may feel like this, it gets better. To whoever may have felt this, let people know it gets better.

Circles of life

All kind of art, braiding hemp, writing, coloring, painting and they all help me in different aspects in my life in a different way.

Braiding hemp and writing helps me with my depression, its positive ways of getting the negative feelings out of me and doing something positive with the bad vibes. Coloring helps me when I am feeling angry or stressed, or when life in general feels a tad bit out of my control, I color and it makes me feel better because for once it is like I am controlling something in my life and that puts my mind at ease and helps me not be so stressed or angry anymore. I paint when I am feeling really open minded and have a lot of thoughts and emotions going on because I just let those vibes be in control of my paint brush and it’s just basically something I do for fun.

News Paper

“Could last forever.”

“Yeah, but it also could not last forever.” “Yeah, but it also could.” I and my friend went back and forth about this for a few minutes. Now, I’m not fixed on the idea of being with someone forever, I have been fine on my own in the past, and I know I can take care of myself and be okay. But, my biggest problem when it comes to relationships is that for starters; I don’t get in them, because I am just so obsessed with myself but then when I get in one, all my obsession goes from myself, to whoever I am with. I get attached so easy, because I am good at taking care of people and my whole life I have been worried about me and how I am going to turn out, and what I need to do, but I just love the comfort of caring about someone else and looking out for them in ways like I would if it were I. It’s dumb to get attached to people after a week or so, but dear god, I cannot help it. It also doesn’t help with the other person is obsessed with me as well, which is my current boyfriend.

We have a crazy and chaotic relationship and some of the time I want to strangle him because he is just so stubborn BUT then again I am stubborn too. We clash a lot but no one is more like me, than him. He makes me laugh and he is good at making me feel better when I feel like the whole world has their back against me. He can be crazy and so can I. He makes me happy and knowing I get to see him every weekend helps me push through the week days even more so. We sure as hell have our ups and downs, we argue over little things that don’t matter, and big things that don’t matter, it’s just because we both feel that were right, and want the other to admit it and then we realize were being dumb and just say “Stop it.” And kiss each other and just like that, whatever problem it was, is gone. He’s my bestfriend and I know he would have my back if push came to shove just like I would him.

 I heard this quote one time and it said “Spend the rest of your life with someone you love to annoy.” And I think that is true. I don’t think any relationship or marriage is perfect, if it is, someone is bullshiting. No one is happy all the time, and no one agrees on every little thing all the time. And I am not saying “bullshitting” as in they must be cheating on you or doing you wrong (I mean, maybe they are doing that) but like holding back their thoughts or feelings to avoid arguments, and someone can’t do that all the time. I think chaos is good, it makes the good even better I think. Everyone has their ups and downs, just like there are no roads in this town perfectly paved, everything has rocks and little bumps along the way, but I don’t think it matters how many rocks or bumps there are in the road, but as long as you get over them and come out stronger than ever, that’s what matters.

A lot of people give up on love when it starts to get hard, but you just have to remember that anything that is worth it won’t come easy. So who knows, it could last forever.

6 Words

6 word memoir.

 

1. World of magic, real life tragic.
2. The white girl that looks mixed.
3. I love the crazy things in life.
4. I am a disastrous walking travesty.
5. She is my bestfriend and my mom.
6. Annoying, and I can hardly stand her.

Two weeks passed and it happened again

“Two weeks passed and it happened again”

For years, Mr. Willy had this rat living in his home, and Mr. Willy had this fear of rats, he’s hated them ever since he was a kid. They are so weird he thought to himself. This rat has been running all over his apartment since he could remember, he has set traps, laid out cheese in hope to lure him, but nothing has ever worked. He was so tired of hearing it scurry around his home all day and that little squeak it kept making was on the verge of driving him insane.

For two weeks, Mr. Willys home grew silent. He no longer heard the noises of the little rat and he finally thought that maybe it had moved on, until one evening when he was watching television, a commercial came on and it got really quiet, for a quick moment, he heard that squeak. He turned around in his chair really fast and saw this bulge sticking out from underneath his rug and running around, Mr. Willy picked up a chair that was next to him and started chasing this rat all around his home, hoping that this will all come to an end.

The lamp falls off the table and into a million pieces on floor as the chair comes slamming down on the rug, soon flattening the bulge that was once there. He is going to make sure this doesn’t happen again.

End of Story

I don’t know what it is but there was something about my boyfriend, Jim’s friend that just didn’t set right with me. Maybe it was the fact he kept staring at me whenever my boyfriend wasn’t looking, or maybe it was the fact that he doesn’t even know me and has been acknowledging my existence more than he was towards the person who initially invited him over for dinner in the first place. Jim thought I was just being paranoid and there was nothing to worry about. I mean, he should be right, they have known each other since they were kids and Jim seemed to really like him, so maybe I am just being paranoid.

Later that night after we all eat dinner, we sit in the living room and I listen to the boys as they reminisce their childhood, high school and college days. They really were good friends, and this guy didn’t seem so bad, so I wasn’t minding hanging out with them and getting to know both of them really well. I got up to go to the kitchen to get some drinks for everyone. I was standing at the kitchen counter with my back towards the entry way, I heard someone come in but no one said anything, I just figured it was one of the boys coming in to get something to eat, but then when arms came out from the sides of my waist and wrapped around me, I laughed and said “Jim, your friend is here, stop.” Playfully pushing him away, and when I turned around to look at him, I jumped in my skin a bit when I saw that it wasn’t Jim, but it was his friend. I asked him what the hell he was doing, Jim heard the noise and came in there and asked as well what was going on, his friend then continued to say how I was accusing him of hitting on me, Jim then looked at me and told me to let it go and that his friend is a good guy and he wouldn’t do that, I was outraged by Jim. How could he believe him over me? I rolled my eyes and tossed the drinks into the sink and started my way up to the bedroom.

I lay down in bed just ready to go to sleep simply because I was too angry to be awake, I don’t really remember falling asleep, but I remember waking up. I heard the door open and someone come in the bedroom, when I felt Jims side of the bed sink down, I figured it was just him finally coming to bed, I roll over still kind of upset by the way he treated me in front of his friend and when I felt him turn over to face me, I was shocked when I heard an unfamiliar voice whisper “Jim is asleep.” I jumped off the bed in a quick motion and turned to once again, find his friend there, he was looking at me with a crazy smile and a look of pure determination in his eyes, I screamed for Jim loudly and ran into the bathroom and locked myself in as his friend was pounding on the door and I soon heard Jim running up the stairs, the door was being blocked so Jim had to beat it down, when I heard Jim enter, I heard the two throw each other back and forth across the room and yelling and punches being thrown and hard breathing when I opened the door with my burning hot curling iron in my hand ready to help my boyfriend fight this crazy person off, but when I opened the door I saw that Jim had him on the floor throwing punch after punch at his face and soon his friend reached up and right hooked him pretty hard, right when I was starting to get worried, Jim reached in his back pocket and the knife came down, missing him by inches and he took off.

Ugly Steps

Most really pretty girls have pretty ugly feet, and so does Mindy Metalman, Lenore notices, all of a sudden. Mindy and Lenore have practically grown up together, starting out in kindergarten and getting ready to start their freshman year of high school. Lenore was decent looking, really nice, more of the quiet, shy, and soft spoken one, came from a good set of parents that sent her on the road of straight and narrow. Mindy on the other hand was stunningly beautiful, the outgoing, loud, rebel one, had some good parents that tried to make their daughter a tad more like her best friend, but not everything goes as we initially planned.

The girls were out at the mall doing some late school shopping and just walking around and having a good time. They went to every store they could think of and bought all of the cutest clothes. Lenore was excited for school to start but she was really nervous because she isn’t like her best friend, not only does everyone know her, but everyone likes her, Lenore on the other hand just blended in with the crowd and was known as more of “that friend of Mindy’s” so she was scared that when she got to high school, Mindy would go off and make tons of new friends and Lenore will be left by herself. Mindy though was super excited for high school, all of the movies and stories people tell about “High School being the best days of your life” were just building her excitement over the summer, and now the time was finally here and she couldn’t wait for the journey to begin.

They walk into Payless Shoes and they are going up and down the shoe aisle, boxes of shoes slowly piling up in the arms making it hard for them to see and causing them to stumble all over the place. They finally find a bench where they can sit and make the final decision of which shoes they want to have. Lenore is trying on one after another, as is Mindy, neither of the girls are paying too much attention to one another, busy with their own thing. Lenore looks up after some time to see if her friend was ready to go yet, and when she started from the floor going up, she was almost taken back by what she saw. Lenore’s mother has always told her daughter “Most really pretty girls have pretty ugly feet.” When Lenore was feeling down about herself, causing Lenore to laugh and always remembered this old time saying. That’s why she was so surprise when she say that Mindy… Mindy Metalman, the prettiest girl in all of their school had the most blistered, hairy, wart infested, long nasty toe nails, and the ugliest feet she had ever seen.

                When Mindy and Lenore started high school, the girls were sitting at lunch with some friends, they were all making jokes and talking about embarrassing things about themselves. Mindy told them she had one that would top all of theirs and she continued to take her shoe off and expose her still disgusting feet to the group, they all laughed and made jokes, and soon all of the girls were laughing, Mindy wasn’t known as the prettiest girl in school anymore, she was just known as the “pretty girl with ugly feet” and as for Lenore, she wasn’t known as “the pretty girl with ugly feet, friend.” She was just known as Lenore, and together the girls took down high school, one big ugly step at a time.

Writers as Readers

I think that if you read you do become a better writer because you learn different ways to phrase things and more unique words to use. I think that we see a word or sentence or something the way someone said that you like and you pick it up and start using it. I can speak from experience because I love writing and no one sat me down one day and handed me a pencil and said “now this is how you write a story that will wow someone.” No, I read a lot of books with descriptive things and words that aren’t used very often and characters that have sparked an idea in my mind, and I take what they write and make it my own. Writing helps me a lot in all different aspects of my life and I can honestly say that reading books and poetry has played a big role in it.

I really hope to write a book one day because I love writing and I love story telling. Personally, I think I am pretty good at it. Writing is one of my favorite things to do and I really would like to one day take my stories further out into the world for more people than just my high school friends to see. I would like to do something with my future that revolves around writing.  

I think if I were to write a book it would be a biography first because I am the most interesting person I know considering all the things I have been through and done and everyone else seems to like the stories I tell about some event I have been through, so why not a big book about all of them?

I think what got me started with my passion for writing and wanting to do something with my life with writing in it was when I read a bunch of poetry and just learned a lot about words that really make you feel what the author is feeling or see in your mind what the author is describing because it is in such amazing detail. I was always amazed really good writers were kind of like painters of the imagination, they think something, they write it down, they see it and then we see it too.

Free

I am Free

My mind is open

My invisible eye can see

I have an open mouth

Everyone knows what I think

I say what I feel

I mean what I say

People are intimidated by that and tend to get scared away

Though I am all bark and no bite

I am even no good at killing a fly

I just always say what is on my mind

Dream Threads

Something Like Wonderland

A hole pops up in the ground and I jump inside. I always try my hardest to think about how one day, maybe one day, the world will be rad enough for me to live in. The hole takes me deep underground, on this big slide like thing. After what feels like miles of slipping and sliding all over the place I finally hit the ground, my hands grab the soil just by reaction of falling, but when I pulled my hands up, I didn’t find dirt in between my fingers, instead it was little bits of oreos, oreos! All over the place, it made up the soil! The grass was long pieces of lime flavored liquorish and the sky wasn’t blue, no, the sky was one big tie dye design! This magical place was peeking my interest with every interesting thing I saw.

                I start to further my exploration and as I continue to walk I see the most gorgeous beach with water so crystal blue clear, fields and fields of the tallest and most beautiful sunflowers I have ever seen in my entire life!  The people that inhabited this place were just as amazing as the place itself, everyone was friendly and there was no hate or judgment, or anything negative really. I was completely surrounded by good vibes and all the things I have ever wanted in life. I decided that there is no way I am going back up that hole into boring ole Springfield, Missouri. I am going to stay right down here, where there are good vibes and a tie dye sky.

                My dreams tend to revolve around getting a big adventure.

Color Me Winter

Color Me Winter

Winter cold breath

Snowy days spent in bed

Winter has arrived