Saving Myself

I look down at myself laying on the kitchen floor as my friends are huddled around me, screaming at each other to call 911 but no one doing it, they were trying to wake me up, shaking my shoulders and crying my name, soon they all vanished though, leaving me here. I cannot believe I am watching this happen to myself, I am watching and feeling as I slip away. I knew I was living my life in the fast lane, and yeah, I knew the risks of what I was doing, but I didn’t think it would come to an end this quickly.

I was taking pills before I knew it. My mom had always told me, “You never know what they are, they could make your heart explode and you could die.” I heard her, but I didn’t listen to her. That night as soon as I knew she was asleep, I snuck out my back window, hopped down onto the deck, flipped my hood up as cold breath started to exhale from my lungs into the air, and I started walking. I pulled out a cigarette from my pocket and lit it up, as I inhaled the smoke into my lungs I couldn’t help but think “How in the hell did I come to this?” I started thinking about kindergarten and pledging to D.A.R.E and thinking I was going to be a straight A student and never pick up a cigarette, let alone develop a pill problem. Shit, my finger started to blister up from the cigarette that burned all the way down to the end, yanking me from my haunting thoughts. I bundle my jacket up more as the cold air rushed down the spine of my back making me shiver reminding me of the cold thoughts I am thinking, leaving me confused if it’s really cold outside, or if it’s just me…

I see the lights on the house grow closer and closer, I can hear the laughs of my friends grow louder. My good friend meets me on the front porch, greeting me with open arms. After our embrace, my friend looks at me and laughs asking “What the hell are you doing wearing a jacket in 75 degree weather?” Well… that answered my question, it was just me. She laughs a little as I roll my eyes and unbundle my jacket, sliding it off of my arm, she put her arm around my shoulder and said “C’mon kid, let’s get you fixed.” My heart grows with eagerness for this next pill as a result of trying not to take them for a few days, I follow her inside the smoke filled house as we headed for the kitchen. I found a lot of my friends surrounding the table, playing cards, empty glass and beer bottles everywhere, and some pills laying around. My friend bumps this guy on the shoulder and whispers something then points to me. He soon hands her a little bag containing four little pills, she then hands me this bag. I pop it open and let the pills hit the palm of my hand, I clenched my fist with the pills in my hand at first, as if I was holding onto a rope that was keeping me alive, maybe I was hoping that there would be a voice in my head that might yell at me to stop, but there wasn’t. I tossed the pills back as they ran down my tongue, hitting the back of my throat, going down into my system. In 5 minutes, I automatically felt better, in fact, I felt unlike I ever have before, and I couldn’t decide if I should either be scared or happy about that.

As the time passes, I start to feel hot, my heart is starting to race, and I am losing the color in my face. My friend looks over at me and can tell something is wrong. I tell her I think I am going to throw up, she walks me to the bathroom, where my knees fall against the cold bathroom floor, like stones pulling me down, I bent over the toilet and started vomiting awfully. It freaked me and my friend both out, who was holding my hair and saying “Oh my god” over and over again, finally the vomiting comes to a stop, I weakly stumble up with my arm wrapped around her shoulder, she walks me to the kitchen and sits me down in the chair, she goes into the kitchen to get me a glass of water, and before I know it, my back is laying on the wood panel floor ground next to the kitchen table, my body start to yank and my heart starts to pound harder and harder, faster and faster. I can’t say anything though, everyone is around me and I can’t talk or scream or tell them what I need, anything, they are all panicking, trying to decide what to do, screaming and crying, people are running out even, and I am laying here, ”Oh my god, they are going to let me die.” People start clearing the drugs out, flushing them, putting them down the garbage disposal, and I am watching all of this. I can see me laying on the ground, my eyes are cold, and my skin has lost the color, I am watching as my so called friends are more worried about the drugs and alcohol then me laying here on the floor. Soon, the house clears out, well, almost clears out, I'm still here.

I bend down next to my lifeless body and start begging for me to just hang on, and begging god to just please tell my mom I love her, and tell my brother I love him too, and make sure he turns out nothing like me, dear god, please don’t let him turn out anything like me, then something sparks inside of me, for the first time, I felt the will to live, I thought about how I wanted to go home and tell my mom and brother I love them myself, and how I wanted to personally make sure my brother didn’t make the same mistakes as me, and do everything in my power to make sure he didn’t end up like this. As a final attempt to save my life, I leaned over my lifeless body, putting my mouth over mine, inhaling air into my own lungs. I saw as my eyes yanked open…

I bolted up straight in my bed, my heart was racing and I was shaking, but I felt so alive, I felt as if I just took my first breathe of life all over again. I got up and looked in the mirror at myself, and for just a quick moment, I saw everything good I could become, I saw all the good in me, and for once, I couldn’t see any sadness, I couldn’t see all the things I did wrong. I just saw me, and in that moment, I knew I could save myself.