Calm sea of Chaos

Waves are crashing

They are crashing all around

The boats shake from side to side

Peoples screams grow silent

The boats float bottom up

The once sea of chaos

Is now a sea of calm

The gray in the sky cracks and light blue peeks from behind

Waves are crashing

The calm sea of chaos

Art/Walk "Instead of killing myself" poem

“Wait until a year from now

When you say,

“Holy shit, I can’t believe I was going to kill myself before I etcetera’d…

Before I went skinny dipping in Tennessee,

Made my own IPA,

Tried out for a game show,

Rode a camel drunk,

Learned to waltz with clumsy old people,

Photographed electric jellyfish,

Built a sailboat from trash,

Taught someone how to read,

Ect. Ect. Etc.”

The red washing down the bathtub

Can’t change the color of the sea at all.”

 

This poem helps me a lot when it comes to myself. It helps remind me that if I end my life, if I let things get to me so bad to where I am at the point when getting out of a bed is a pure struggle, that no matter what, the world doesn’t stop spinning. If you end your life, tomorrow will still come, people will still go to work and school, everyone in the world will wake up and get ready to start their day while you’re laying six feet under because you thought that this would make your problems stop and make everyone pay for how awful they were, well, yeah you’re problems are gone, cause you’re gone, and yeah people might feel bad for how bad they treated you, but most of the time their indenial and don’t even want to think they played a part in someone ending their life and usually, continue to be as shitty to everyone else just as they were to you. So with all of that cold hearted, but true, statements being said, why not just stay on earth, know that tomorrow will be a new day and better day, and if you hang in there, it will get better. I know its hard, and easier said then done, but I promise it is all worth it. I know by the things I write and say, most probably think “Wow Katie, you talk about it getting better but you seem just as bad now as you were then.” But I can honestly say I have come a long way since then with depression, I am not as hopeless about the future as I once was, I realized that everything gets better and anything worth having doesn’t come easy, and happiness is worth having, so I will continue to stay on this earth and strive for that every single day, because I now know because of this poem that ending my life wouldn’t fix anything, as it wouldn’t if anyone else did.

So, as a survivor of suicidal thoughts for four years, I can tell you it gets better. I know you may be thinking “You are a survivor of suicidal thoughts? That doesn’t even make sense.” Well if you have depression and suicidal thoughts, you know how hard it is, but imagine how hard it is, and everyday for four years of your life. It’s the thoughts that drive people to ending it, and having those thoughts for four years and still being here, and better than I once was, hell yeah, I am a survivor.

To whoever may feel like this, it gets better. To whoever may have felt this, let people know it gets better.

Circles of life

All kind of art, braiding hemp, writing, coloring, painting and they all help me in different aspects in my life in a different way.

Braiding hemp and writing helps me with my depression, its positive ways of getting the negative feelings out of me and doing something positive with the bad vibes. Coloring helps me when I am feeling angry or stressed, or when life in general feels a tad bit out of my control, I color and it makes me feel better because for once it is like I am controlling something in my life and that puts my mind at ease and helps me not be so stressed or angry anymore. I paint when I am feeling really open minded and have a lot of thoughts and emotions going on because I just let those vibes be in control of my paint brush and it’s just basically something I do for fun.

News Paper

“Could last forever.”

“Yeah, but it also could not last forever.” “Yeah, but it also could.” I and my friend went back and forth about this for a few minutes. Now, I’m not fixed on the idea of being with someone forever, I have been fine on my own in the past, and I know I can take care of myself and be okay. But, my biggest problem when it comes to relationships is that for starters; I don’t get in them, because I am just so obsessed with myself but then when I get in one, all my obsession goes from myself, to whoever I am with. I get attached so easy, because I am good at taking care of people and my whole life I have been worried about me and how I am going to turn out, and what I need to do, but I just love the comfort of caring about someone else and looking out for them in ways like I would if it were I. It’s dumb to get attached to people after a week or so, but dear god, I cannot help it. It also doesn’t help with the other person is obsessed with me as well, which is my current boyfriend.

We have a crazy and chaotic relationship and some of the time I want to strangle him because he is just so stubborn BUT then again I am stubborn too. We clash a lot but no one is more like me, than him. He makes me laugh and he is good at making me feel better when I feel like the whole world has their back against me. He can be crazy and so can I. He makes me happy and knowing I get to see him every weekend helps me push through the week days even more so. We sure as hell have our ups and downs, we argue over little things that don’t matter, and big things that don’t matter, it’s just because we both feel that were right, and want the other to admit it and then we realize were being dumb and just say “Stop it.” And kiss each other and just like that, whatever problem it was, is gone. He’s my bestfriend and I know he would have my back if push came to shove just like I would him.

 I heard this quote one time and it said “Spend the rest of your life with someone you love to annoy.” And I think that is true. I don’t think any relationship or marriage is perfect, if it is, someone is bullshiting. No one is happy all the time, and no one agrees on every little thing all the time. And I am not saying “bullshitting” as in they must be cheating on you or doing you wrong (I mean, maybe they are doing that) but like holding back their thoughts or feelings to avoid arguments, and someone can’t do that all the time. I think chaos is good, it makes the good even better I think. Everyone has their ups and downs, just like there are no roads in this town perfectly paved, everything has rocks and little bumps along the way, but I don’t think it matters how many rocks or bumps there are in the road, but as long as you get over them and come out stronger than ever, that’s what matters.

A lot of people give up on love when it starts to get hard, but you just have to remember that anything that is worth it won’t come easy. So who knows, it could last forever.

6 Words

6 word memoir.

 

1. World of magic, real life tragic.
2. The white girl that looks mixed.
3. I love the crazy things in life.
4. I am a disastrous walking travesty.
5. She is my bestfriend and my mom.
6. Annoying, and I can hardly stand her.

Two weeks passed and it happened again

“Two weeks passed and it happened again”

For years, Mr. Willy had this rat living in his home, and Mr. Willy had this fear of rats, he’s hated them ever since he was a kid. They are so weird he thought to himself. This rat has been running all over his apartment since he could remember, he has set traps, laid out cheese in hope to lure him, but nothing has ever worked. He was so tired of hearing it scurry around his home all day and that little squeak it kept making was on the verge of driving him insane.

For two weeks, Mr. Willys home grew silent. He no longer heard the noises of the little rat and he finally thought that maybe it had moved on, until one evening when he was watching television, a commercial came on and it got really quiet, for a quick moment, he heard that squeak. He turned around in his chair really fast and saw this bulge sticking out from underneath his rug and running around, Mr. Willy picked up a chair that was next to him and started chasing this rat all around his home, hoping that this will all come to an end.

The lamp falls off the table and into a million pieces on floor as the chair comes slamming down on the rug, soon flattening the bulge that was once there. He is going to make sure this doesn’t happen again.

End of Story

I don’t know what it is but there was something about my boyfriend, Jim’s friend that just didn’t set right with me. Maybe it was the fact he kept staring at me whenever my boyfriend wasn’t looking, or maybe it was the fact that he doesn’t even know me and has been acknowledging my existence more than he was towards the person who initially invited him over for dinner in the first place. Jim thought I was just being paranoid and there was nothing to worry about. I mean, he should be right, they have known each other since they were kids and Jim seemed to really like him, so maybe I am just being paranoid.

Later that night after we all eat dinner, we sit in the living room and I listen to the boys as they reminisce their childhood, high school and college days. They really were good friends, and this guy didn’t seem so bad, so I wasn’t minding hanging out with them and getting to know both of them really well. I got up to go to the kitchen to get some drinks for everyone. I was standing at the kitchen counter with my back towards the entry way, I heard someone come in but no one said anything, I just figured it was one of the boys coming in to get something to eat, but then when arms came out from the sides of my waist and wrapped around me, I laughed and said “Jim, your friend is here, stop.” Playfully pushing him away, and when I turned around to look at him, I jumped in my skin a bit when I saw that it wasn’t Jim, but it was his friend. I asked him what the hell he was doing, Jim heard the noise and came in there and asked as well what was going on, his friend then continued to say how I was accusing him of hitting on me, Jim then looked at me and told me to let it go and that his friend is a good guy and he wouldn’t do that, I was outraged by Jim. How could he believe him over me? I rolled my eyes and tossed the drinks into the sink and started my way up to the bedroom.

I lay down in bed just ready to go to sleep simply because I was too angry to be awake, I don’t really remember falling asleep, but I remember waking up. I heard the door open and someone come in the bedroom, when I felt Jims side of the bed sink down, I figured it was just him finally coming to bed, I roll over still kind of upset by the way he treated me in front of his friend and when I felt him turn over to face me, I was shocked when I heard an unfamiliar voice whisper “Jim is asleep.” I jumped off the bed in a quick motion and turned to once again, find his friend there, he was looking at me with a crazy smile and a look of pure determination in his eyes, I screamed for Jim loudly and ran into the bathroom and locked myself in as his friend was pounding on the door and I soon heard Jim running up the stairs, the door was being blocked so Jim had to beat it down, when I heard Jim enter, I heard the two throw each other back and forth across the room and yelling and punches being thrown and hard breathing when I opened the door with my burning hot curling iron in my hand ready to help my boyfriend fight this crazy person off, but when I opened the door I saw that Jim had him on the floor throwing punch after punch at his face and soon his friend reached up and right hooked him pretty hard, right when I was starting to get worried, Jim reached in his back pocket and the knife came down, missing him by inches and he took off.